Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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