I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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