his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
