if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
