I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
