Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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