i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
