there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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