can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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