yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
