someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
