The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
