he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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