Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
