so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
