Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
this hospital has no fireball
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
