She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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