He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
