I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
