Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
