The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
