how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
