So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
