you guys were way drunker than both of me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize