I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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