Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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