Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
