Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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