last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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