they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
