Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
