My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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