I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
