I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
