Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
