Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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