He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
