Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
