And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
