Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
