he wants to bone in the snuggie
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
