conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
