And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
