He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A+ Viking dick
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