ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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