Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
