I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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