happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
