Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
