maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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