I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
