everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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