If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
