He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
