It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
