Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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