i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
