he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
