i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
