we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize