I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
