i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
