Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
