Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
