We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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