I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
