Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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