I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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