She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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