yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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