i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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