but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize