Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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