I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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