chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
